


Who We Want to Be

by Fen_Assan



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Drabble, Drinking & Talking, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Fun, Gen, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-03-28 17:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3864199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fen_Assan/pseuds/Fen_Assan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A drabble about the Inquisitor and companions having a drink and a card game, which leads them to sharing something deeply personal about themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who We Want to Be

Varric made a show of entering the Herald's Rest slamming the door open and standing in the doorframe with light pouring in from the outside. He had made sure beforehand that no one was behind him planning on entering and thus potentially spoiling his scene. With his shoulders back, chest stuck out and his fists planted on his hips, he was wide enough to cover the entrance where he stood waiting for a reaction but what he got wasn't what he'd been hoping for. A voice from the inside was making a fine job of telling a story (which was a kind of provocation in itself as Varric consirederd it his job) loud enough for everyone to hear.  


'I'm telling you, Lieutenant Harding does have a cat, a ferocious thing they say, she calls it Duchess. Just between us, she's got this thing for the nobles. She used to have a mabari named Contessa. And we all know she pines for the Tevene mage but we're not here to gossip. So her cat. So badass it is someone told me it likes her milk with a drop of brandy this time of day.'  


'Whit are ye rambling on aboot ye ol' drunk. Yer oot yer face! ' Someone finally interfered.  


'All I'm sayin, I think that cat's just trying to get in here, can see its shadow at the door. We better get the milk ready.'  


Varric's entrance was thus accompanied by the uproar of laughter from a group of soldiers at one of the tables. He greeted them with a scowl which switched to a smirk half way through. He landed one hand heavily on their table, putting his weight into it:  


'Hey lads. You seem in need of some ale. The cat's buying.' and threw a small pouch full of coins onto the scratched and stained surface, right between the little pools of spilt drinks.

The serving girl was already on her way with the mugs as if conjured by some magic, and as if by some other magic, her swinging hips caused not a single drop of ale to spill. Only a picturesque amount of foam escaped the rims as she set the mugs in front of the cheering group.  
Varric moved further into the tavern throwing his hand up in a salute to the soldier who shouted:  


'Your health, master writer!'  


'Feeling generous today?' Krem commented as the dwarf approached him. 'Wanna lose another drinking contest tonight? The Chief should be here soon.'  


Varric laughed, slapping his hand on Krem's shoulder.  


'We might want to diversify our entertainment, don't you think, my friend? A game of Diamondback, perhaps?'  


'If it includes drinking, won't say no.'  


Varric's face assumed a serious expression as he brought himself closer to Krem:  


'When did anything I suggested not include drinking?' his brow went up.  


'I'll see you later, kid. Going up to chat with Cole a bit. Maybe try to bring him over.'  


Krem's answer was a half-curious shrug combined with a salute with a half empty ale mug and a sort of 'Good luck with that/Don't know 'bout that' expression.

Varric was still sore about Lavellan siding with Solas in deciding to make Cole become more like a spirit. Well, he said 'siding' but he realized she'd have made the same decision without Solas' interference. She said that's what Cole was, a spirit. And it was wrong to change him, to make him become something he was not. Varric probably accepted that because he realized she was talking about herself at that moment as well. She was a Herald of a foreign prophet in service of a foreign god. He made a mental note of that sentence to remember to use it in one of his books about the Inquisition. He was a person who understood a personal drama. He was not willing to spawn one outside the pages of his books.  


'How're you doing, kid?'  


he grinned at Cole when he found him sitting on the floor cross-legged, cleaning and sharpening his daggers. The boy looked up from below the huge brim of his hat he was wearing almost all the time, even inside, and smiled.  


'This world taught me that changing means losing your friends. But now I know it doesn't have to be true. I have enough self to know what I felt was foolish. Isn't it wonderful?'  


'Wow, kid. You answered more than I asked.' Varric sighed heavily but there was a warm smile in his eyes.  


'I'm glad you're all right. And you're not losing your friends, I promise.' He squeezed Cole's shoulder.  


The spirit boy blinked through his long fringe.  


'You do not need to worry. Wanting, hurting, searching. I was that. Wanted to be a boy. Real, alive, him. But voices, pain, loss. I could help. I can help. Be here and everywhere. A spirit. Me. I...want to be me. I want to be. Solas said the world needs compassion. So I promised I will try not to die.'  


'You do that, kid.' Varric stood up from where he was squatting and turned away to brush off what he wouldn't admit was a tear.  


'You wanna join your friends below, Cole? Come on, it'll be fun. We'll play a game, have a drink...' 

Varric stopped as he realized neither of those could actually be fun for Cole. He didn't need to eat or drink, he could, 'for the sake of the company' but there was no enjoyment in it. And playing a card game was not a concept he truly understood. On the occasions he'd tried to teach him how to play Wicked Grace he would innocently ask why Dorian, Bull or Varric were drawing some already discarded cards, commented on who was happy 'cause they had a good hand or announcing just when the Angel of Death was turning up. He had to stop thinking of him as a human. He sighed. Chuckled. It was cool having a spirit friend, too.  


'There'll be friends. We'll tell stories. And everyone will be happy if you join us.' He said and quickly added:  


'If you like.'  


'I would like that. Can I keep my hat on?'  


'Of course, kid.'  


Varric turned to go down the stairs, wiping another definitely not a tear.

Downstairs the two of them found Dorian and Krem sitting at a larger table they usually took up for card games in bigger company. Varric was just about to comment on Dorian's choice of pants when he noticed Cassandra walking in their direction with a tray of various drinks on it.  


'Am I already drunk? 'Cause I'm seeing things.' He asked the men quietly, sitting with his back to approaching Cassandra. He wasn't quick enough though.  


'And what kind of things would those be, Varric? Should we be worried?'  


she asked, setting the tray on the table and moving a bottle of wine on one side and several mugs of ale on the other. Dorian just took the bottle and started pouring the dark red liquid into two glasses, pretending he wasn't really there for that part of the conversation.  


'I see the Seeker at the table in the tavern, seemingly about to drink with a bunch of unlikely characters like myself and the gentlemen here present.'  


Varric stated taking all the care to make sure it was actually a question and didn't make a move to take a mug.  


Cassandra sat down and took a glass of wine.  


'Your power of observation is legendary. You should try becoming a writer someday.'  


She said with a salut to Dorian, who was holding a matching glass but couldn't hold his laugh at that comment.  


'Well,' Varric consented, 'Cheers then.'  


As drinking and chatting went on and more people were joining in the conversation in passing, Dorian caught Varric looking at Cassandra who was just excusing herself from the discussion with Krem and leaving the table as the wine was starting to take its toll on her bladder.  


'If I didn't know you,' Dorian started in his cheeky tone, 'I'd say you're impressed by her. And maybe more than a little interested.'  
Varric scoffed.  


You know, mage, you're not entirely wrong.' He loved it when he managed to surprize and outplay Dorian. 'In the part where I'm impressed. Never thought the Seeker could be tolerable in leisurely atmosphere.'  


'She's not just a great warrior,' added Krem. And slightly blushed.  


'Is that..?' Varric began as Dorian turned to Krem with his mouth and eyes wide open, one hand floating with a glass of wine and another pressed to his chest in perfectly theatrical astonishment.  


'You fancy her!' The mage exclaimed. 'And here I was fantasising about your strong arms.' he went on shaking his head in mocking disapproval.  


'I believe the Chief is quite able to satisfy your need for strong arms, Dorian.' Krem returned with a smirk.  


'Scandalous.' Dorian's face lit up with a wide grin.  


'Oh don't give Dorian a chance to talk about himself and his sex life, he won't shut up until next week.' 

Varric's comment earned him and everyone else another round paid by Dorian.  


'Are you gonna act on it?' Varric asked Krem, quickly turning around to see if Cassandra was coming back yet.  


'Come on, go for it. We got your back.'  


Krem didn't have a chance for another comeback as the Seeker was approaching their table again, but stopped between them and the counter and shouted:  


'Does anyone want any food? I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.'  


There was no way she could understand why everyone at their table burst out laughing at that. She couldn't see Krem who was sitting with his back to her and was grateful for that as his cheeks were flaming red.  


'Just go ahead,' Dorian finally managed, 'we need to eat something as we're nowhere near drunk enough.'  


Instead of questioning the logic of that statement, Cassandra went on to order some pies and goat-stew.  
Krem was only spared further embarrassment by the addition of two more members to their company, one of whom being in the tavern was far more unexpected than Krem fancying Cassandra.  


Some cheers went around as the Inquisitor stepped inside, smiling at everyone from behind Solas, whom, it almost looked like she was slightly pushing in. The apostate mage, or the scholar, or the Fade guy as he was known around Skyhold, was also known now to be the Inquisitor's lover and most of residents got used to seeing them together. But their appearance in the tavern, or rather Solas' appearance there, was a rare sight.  


Lavellan saw her friends at their usual cards table, Dorian waving to her frantically, and looked at Solas with eyes pleading and encouraging at the same time. He smiled, touched his hand slightly on her back and started in the direction of the company. The smile he used to greet everyone was only ever so slightly haughty.  


'Chuckles, we won't ask to what we owe the pleasure of seeing you in this nest of vice and fun, we know the answer.' Varric addressed Lavellan next:  


'Kid, that's impressive work. One thing is to fight demons. Altogether another one is to make Solas go to the tavern. My respect.' He held up his mug and Lavellan laughed, looked at Solas with the tenderest smile as if saying, 'You see, they like you, too, it's going to be fun,' and accepted a pint from Krem with a thanks.  


Cole, who'd been disappearing and reappearing throughtought the evening, suddenly perched next to Lavellan and whispered something to her. She gave him a happy smile and squeezed his hand before he disappeared again only to greet Solas. When their spirit companion left,  
Dorian looked at Solas' hand resting on Lavellan's back as they sat down next to him and asked:  


'Well, I lost the bet on Solas never stepping inside the tavern for a drink so I have dibs on the next bet. I say Solas isn't going to drink that barbaric ale of yours. I say brandy. Antivan. Any takers?' He looked around the table. Cassandra was the one to say it out loud:  


'You had a bet that Solas would never come into the tavern?? What other bets have you had? And who with?'  


She could never be called a big fan of Solas but her honest and scrupulous nature was all against that.  


'I'm sure there have been many, Cassandra.' Solas answered instead of Dorian. 'I'd say Dorian won't want to admit that Iron Bull won that bet, as well as many others, as well as all the chess parties the two of you played except the ones he let you win.' His gaze turned from Cassandra to Dorian as he took the wine pitcher and started pouring himself a glass.  


'Oh he never,' Dorian started and realized he'd just entered the trap by the way Solas' grin became wider:  


'And I'm sorry to disappoint you, Dorian, but I prefer wine.'  


'So what about the game then?' Krem broke the unsettling silence. 'Who's in? Everyone knows the rules?'  


'What did you intend to play?' Solas asked.  


'Diamondback?' Dorian said half stating, half asking everyone at the table.  


'Oh no,' Varric interrupted, 'no way I'm playing Diamondback with this guy,' he pointed at Solas. 'Blackwall told me the story.'  


'What's the story?' Cassandra asked, eager to hear.  


'Do you want the short or the long version?' Varric smirked.  


'I beat him in the game right after he taught me how to play it.' Solas admitted.  


'Hah. You're really not a story-teller, Chuckles. You got good material there and all you do is 'I beat the guy bla-bla-bla.' Varric shook his head.  


'Hopeless. Anyway, true enough, our resident apostate hedge mage beat Blackwall senseless. Blackwall lost everything. People saw him walking to his quarters with but a bucket for his bits.'  


The detail earned a round of appreciative laugh, both to Solas for the achievement and to Varric for rendering the story.  


'I suppose no Wicked Grace then either?' Dorian enquired. 'Are you up for Dead Man's Tricks then?'  


'Playing Dead Man's Tricks with a Necromancer?' Solas commented, 'Sure.'  


'You'll have to explain the rules first, I'm afraid I've never played that.' Lavellan admitted and caught Cassandra's appreciative look. She actually knew the game a little but was sure the Seeker had no experience or knowledge of it whatsoever.  


'Well,' Varric began, 'it's basically like truth or dare but the person who wins the first round chooses which one it is for everyone else and the person who wins the next round determines what it is we all do or tell and then we do. Or tell.'  


'Ahem,' Cassandra realized she said it aloud when everyone started looking at her. 'So...how do you win a round?'  


'I'll deal.' Dorian said taking out a deck from some invisible pocket so everyone was already looking at him suspiciously.  


'What?!' he looked around. 'Everyone starts with three cards...' he went on dealing and explaining the game further as it went on.  


There were laughs, some inevitable embarrassment, lots of teasing and lots of fun. It was Lavellan who won the first round. Even though the whole party was quite tipsy and relaxed by now, the tension set in as she had to decide on which one it was going to be, truth or dare. She was looking at all and each of them in turn, judging the flicker in the eye, the half-hidden mirth and anticipation, a trifle of nervousness and tons of boldness in her friends and companions. She finally decided.  


'Truth.'  


Moans of disappointment and relief seemed to be divided in equal measure as they continued to the second round.  


'It better be a good question,' 

Varric announced dealing the cards out. In the middle of the round Sera appeared and joined in, more for the drinks than for the game. She snorted at the Inquisitor's choice of assignment.  


'It's dare, Inky, always dare.' She pointed her finger drunkenly.  


Solas leaned in and slowly kissed Lavellan's throat at that moment. Sera was left with her mouth open and her finger hanging in the air. Everyone else was just as surprised, including Lavellan, who was filled with butterflies of excitement. Not unlike everyone else, she never expected such public display of passion from Solas but was as happy and proud as she could be.  
When Sera finally got herself back together, she nodded:  


'You see. He knows what I'm talking about.' and cheered Solas with a mug before landing it on the table with a bang.  


For some reason, everyone felt thirsty all of a sudden and they quickly needed another round in.  


'I'll fetch it,' Cole suggested, shocking almost everyone with his sudden presence.  


The game went on and, it was hard to say, but quite probably with Krem's assistance, Cassandra won the round. She took a moment to think about the question and looked at Lavellan when she started speaking.  


'You remember what you once said, Inquisitor. Whatever we were before, we are now the Inquisition.'  


The introduction put some into a more serious mood and some into a weary expectation of her spoiling the game.  


'We all are that. Parts of the mechanism that keeps it going. Serving a great goal. Doing an honorable thing.'  


Dorian was starting to roll his eyes at Varric and Lavellan.  


'So we know what we are, what we were all before are long and different stories for another time, maybe. My question is, who we want to be.'  


She finished, looked up and set her gaze on Dorian.  


'I understand I can pick who starts. Dorian?'  


'Oh my dear. How much time and brandy do we have?' He gave everyone a flashy smile but 'my dear' gave away that he was actually nervous to answer such a question, probably most of all, to himself. He paused.  


'I always knew who I didn't want to be, the idea of me my father had. Still has in all probability.' He put one elbow on the table and rubbed his temple with his fingers.  


'Though he's lost hope by now, I suppose. In me bringing him grandchildren and being...all that. Hah.' He had a sip of brandy.  


' I am what I wanted to be. I am fabulously attractive and talented and amazing after all. A lot of people share that view. And there are even those whose opinion I wouldn't throw out with the piss bucket.'  


His smile was soft and content but somewhat absent as he looked at the tavern door. The Iron Bull still hadn't come back to Skyhold.  


'Varric?' Cassandra broke the silence.  


'Hehe, the greatest writer in Thedas? I'm told I already am. With that as well as the greatest archer (don't tell the Inquisitor) and the most magnificent dwarf I guess I got most my boxes ticked.' He looked at Lavellan who was beaming at him.  


'What? What about her?' he waved a hand dismissively at Cassandra.  


'Ehh...Bianca...Ok. If no one's listening, I do. I want to be with her. I want a little house with her. Full of...what? Of bloody course it'll be full of my books. Full of our little brats, I wanted to say. I think I'd be good at it. Dad stuff. You know?'  


No one knew what to say or rather, no one had enough courage to say what they wanted so they were deeply grateful when Cole appeared next to Varric and said, putting his hand firmly on Varric's shoulder:  


'It is true. You would be. You will be, one day. You'll make your children very happy.'  


Cassandra blinked away the gathering tears, noticed that Lavellan and Dorian didn't bother hiding theirs and went on:  


'Well, my turn. You know I am among the candidates to become the next Divine.' she sighed.  


'I have rarely doubted what I want to do in my life and this...this would be something I have desired. To serve the Maker, to bring his word to the people and to help them in his name. The Inquisitor says I'd be the right choice.' She gave Lavellan a quick look.  


'Truth is, I'm not so sure. The Divine who has a passion for smutty romance?' her face lit up with an unexpected open smile as she looked at everyone around the table.  


'Oh come on, I know you all know I love those amazing dirty Varric's novels. If I'm chosen, I will never experience that again. Don't look so surprised, yes, I have been in love. Once.' There was a pauze before she went on:  


'But I guess I can count on ample supply of Varric's stories. Right?' Her expression was shy and sacrificial as she looked up at Varric. He looked back at her with warmth people wouldn't believe he had for her.  


'Always, Cassandra. You're my favourite fan girl.' She laughed as if really just a girl who loves romance novels.  


'Sera?' Varric asked. She had the expression on her face which clearly stated she hadn't had enough to drink for all that to be comfortable for her and that she'd try to get her way out of it. Varric's look said otherwise though, so she spit out:  


'Pffft, what are you on about? Why would I wanna be anyone I'm not already? I got my people, you know, Red Jenny's. Got my bees, haha. And I choose when I take off my breeches. Ok, stop with the questions, you. It's getting creepy. Needing a drink here.' She left for the bar never to come back to their table that night.  
There were only three people left to answer. Dorian took the initiative that time just by saying  


'Solas.'  


Solas set his almost empty glass on the table and looked at Cassandra.  


'I complement you on the question, Cassandra. It is a profound one. And I admit I have spent too much time thinking about it. Should have done more thinking at some points in my life. And more acting at others.' He was looking in the middle distance, as if lost somewhere in the Fade.  


'But forgive me, I digress. To answer your question simply would be, someone not ashamed of what he's done. Someone proud of what he'll be remembered for. Someone worthy of...' he was looking at everone but his gaze inevitably returned to the person sitting next to him. He looked at Lavellan but was somehow not able to take her hand at that moment.  


'Someone not alone.' He finished and taking his glass again, realized it was now full and saw Dorian setting the wine pitcher down without a word.  
'I'll go next,' Lavellan said and there was a minute wince on Solas' face. If it stayed a moment longer, one could think he was afraid of what she was going to say.  
'I remember saying that. Whatever we were before, we are now the Inquisition. And I am in the centre of it. Creators know it's not the fate I ever wanted. But now...I want to see it through. I think we're doing the right thing, you know? Although I have to face impossible choices at times. I think I want to stick with it. And I want my closest people sticking with me. I want all of you with me. I want to be your family as you are mine.'  
As she was looking around at all and each of them in turn, they were all becoming sort of choked up, on the inside if not outside. She stole a quick look at Solas before finishing:  


'And...family, yes. That's what I want.'  


As Solas was swallowing a lump in his throat and Krem looking desperate at the perspective of saying what he had to say, there was a loud bang as the tavern door opened and Iron Bull came in. He filled the room with his presence, with shouted greetings, an immediate order of a pint and the sheer size of him.  


'Chief,' Krem said cheerily, 'I'll go get us some more drinks.' and left for the bar.  


Bull looked around, nodded his head, slapped shoulders and winked as all forms of greeting and finally sat himself down, legs wide apart and hands on his knees.  


'Look at all you here. Have I missed anything?'


End file.
